Confessions of a Saturday Night Grazer

I sit here watching my Matty become one of the pantheon of metal gods by jamming out on Guitar Hero III. And while I sit, I write. Not really because I feel like writing necessarily. But because if both my hands are typing then neither one of them can be shoving a chocolate donut in my mouth. This fear is indeed a reasonable one as there sits atop my fridge at this very second a lovely box containing lovely chocolate and glazed donuts that would add a lovely 5 pounds to my thighs. These donuts very nearly perished in one of my "grazing sessions." Allow me to explain this for you uninitiated folks.

See, if this were a GA (Grazer's Anonymous) meeting, it would go something like this.
Cyndi stands up. "Hi, my name is Cyndi, and I'm a grazer."
[The groups chimes in "Hi Cyndi!" Cyndi sits. The spokeswoman with large haunches and sweats speaks. "Welcome, Cyndi. Why don't you tell us about one of your recent grazes." Cyndi clears her throat and tells the following story.]

"Well, it was Saturday night. Earlier that day I went shopping at Walmart. This stimulus normally ends in a grazing episode, but I didn't fall of the wagon. I'm trying to lose weight you see."

[The group murmurs in understanding approval]

"When I arrived home I found that someone had spilled an entire bottle of Elmer's School Glue on the floor. I spent about an hour scrubbing it and scraping it out of the carpet with a butter knife. And well, I'm afraid I might have accidentally eaten some chicken wings out of stress afterwards."

[The group sighs sympathetically]

"But I was really good after that. Perfect really. I even skipped dinner and worked out. Okay, well I might have snuck a couple bites of macaroni and cheese while I was making it for the boys, but only a couple."

[The group tisks disapprovingly, knowing that for a grazer "a couple" can almost always be loosely translated to "I will only admit to two, but I really stopped counting at eight"]

"Bolstered by my -ahem- couple bites of mac and cheese I made it to about ten o clock at night. My husband took the older two boys to Alien vs. Predator. Alien made me think of those things popping out of peoples' stomach, which reminded me that my stomach felt like it was eating itself, so I...sorta wandered into the kitchen."

[The group gasps collectively. A grazer must never, NEVER, wander into the kitchen after a certain time at night. We're sort of like gremlins that way. If you give us a crumb after 10pm we won't stop until the kitchen is reduced to rubble covered with a fine dust of cheetoh powder and chocolate skid marks.]

"I figured I would just have a bite of something to tide me over. So I had a couple smoked almonds. Almonds are healthy right? I mean, it's not like went for the potato chips. Well, then my mouth was all salty, so I thought that if I could just have a bite of something sweet, I would be good for the night. That's where the problem started really."

[The group nods knowingly and shakes their heads in shame]

"That's when I saw the donut box on the top of the fridge."

[A woman shrieks in horror, "YOU DIDN'T!"]

"No, I didn't. I toed the line mind you. I opened the box, I inhaled deeply. I even picked up a donut. But somehow, I managed to put it back. Still, I felt bad for getting their hopes up by opening the box, so I scraped a bit of frosting off the lid and ate it, just to show the donuts that it was nothing personal."

[The group sighs in relief. "Well that's not so bad." Someone pipes up]

"Well that's not all I'm afraid. The frosting was so sweet that I really needed something salty. So I ate few more smoked almonds. But then I was too far back on the salty side. I opened the cupboard and discovered the last few slices of chocolate orange. So I ate one thinking it would be just what I needed. It wasn't. Now I needed something meaty. I opened the fridge and found some leftover barbecue shrimp. They looked so cute sitting there in the bowl. I ate a couple, and finally felt satisfied. So I left the kitchen.

[The group cheers]

"But then...as I sat there, I thought about the three shrimp I left in the bowl. They looked so lonely. What had they done to be left behind? I mean, there they were, all happy and swimming in the sea one day when someone yanked them out with a net, froze them, thawed them, pulled their little heads and tails off, and then barbecued them. And after all that they were going to be left uneaten. I started to feel guilty. I mean, it was the least I could do right? So that they knew they hadn't died in vain. So I went back to the kitchen and ate them."

[The group groans in despair]

"You know the rest, I'm sure. The shrimp put me all salty again, so then I had to finish off the chocolate orange and drink two glasses of milk. It was skim milk though."

["So what happened then?" someone asks.]

"Well, I decided that I had to leave the kitchen and go type a post for my blog to keep my hands busy."

[The group erupts into applause. "I think we've had a break-through!" Haunches the spokesperson shouts. Cyndi finally sits. Another group member stands. "Well," he begins, "it all started in the check out line of the 7-eleven]

Okay, enough of that little meandering. All in all though, I must consider myself a success this time. I've worked out four days in a row, and I didn't eat the donut. I mean, that's something, right? Right?

Well, I better sign off. Matty is done rocking the free world and is now in the kitchen searching for a snack. I think I'll go see how he's doing...

Cyndi