Happy Birthday Ma

Today is my Mom's birthday. Happy Birthday Ma! My Dad's birthday was October 5th. Happy late birthday Daddy! I am writing this post in their honor, though embarrassing them in a semi-public forum (okay, Mom and Dad are the only ones who read my swill anyway) may not be their idea of "honor." What can I say, that's just the sort of thoughtful daughter I am.

Parentage is a interesting thing. One of the joys of step-parenting has been to watch the boys and pick out all the various little aspects of my husband divided amongst them. I suppose we are all strange hybrid composites of the stuff that makes us (kindly donated by mom and dad) and the various other spiritual filaments we pick up from our environment. So in this post, I will attempt to dissect myself (gruesomely apropos for the season, no?) and see what of my parentage spills out.

There shall be two categories (categories, like lists and check boxes soothe me. Sue me.) "Characteristic" - trait as manifested in Cyndi, and "Parent at Fault" - parent at fault for said manifested trait.

Characteristic - I am a klutz (as has been multiply elucidated by my many self-inflicted-injury posts, and more recently, in a heretofore undocumented event resulting in a broken toe.)
PAF - This one is going to rest firmly with my Ma, who over the years has regaled us all with both story and working example of various impossible slips, falls, injuries and accidents. IE, a black eye from opening a cabinet door into her face. Yes, this is absolutely something I would also do, and likely will do at some point in the future. My father, graceful and lithe, was an athlete of the first order and lept like a gazelle over high jump bars throughout high school and college. Were I to attempt anything of the sort, it would likely look like something like a heifer getting a running start to jump a barbed-wire fence. The result would be all flailing hooves, pained mooing, blood, and the always inevitable shame.

C: I am lurpy. The aforementioned lurpiness is the result of my odd shape combined with above-average height.
PAF: Actually, this one goes to both parents. Like my father, I am tall and have slender wrists and ankles. My father and my brothers have often bemoaned the fact that their delicate wrists could be fractured with only a delicate thwap of a rolled up newspaper. I don't mind the wrists so much. Being a girl this presents me with less of a problem. But combine gangly height with squat-in-the-potato-field-and-drop-a-kid German birthing hips (thanks Ma), and you get a rather odd combination that baffles many a sales girl when shopping for jeans. Thus the ensuing "lurp" factor.

C: I am a book nerd. When I don't have my nose buried in a book, I am usually rattling on to some uninterested party about a book I read, recommending several books I think they should read, or detailing the many uses of books in decorating and furniture propping.
PAF: This one is going to my Ma. My mom is an avid reader and kept me in books from the time I was old enough to begin reading. Not surprisingly, the first thing I read was food-related, the back of a package of ham. I have many fond memories of visiting used book shops with her and lugging home a treasure trove of dusty tomes that enabled me to retreat solidly into geekdom.


C: I am a snark. Snark: (according to the urban dictionary, source of all pertinent knowledge for my generation) "Combination of "snide" and "remark". Sarcastic comment(s). Also snarky (adj.) and snarkily (adv." You may or may not have picked up on this already, since you are reading my blog. Hopefully leaning towards may. I lay it on pretty thick here people.
PAF: This one is all Dad. My father is a deceptively quiet man, but behind this placid exterior glows a hotbed of pure liquid snark. Evidence of this can be found in any Richards home video where in my father's voice can be heard firing off the occasional quip from behind the camera. Perhaps the most famous being his remark about a lady in double-wide stretch pants lumbering across the street to the hospital - "Whoa. There goes a sick patient," he snarks. Like me, my Dad would walk on his lips through a bed of hot coals before knowingly hurting anyone's feelings, but every now and then, one of those snide little buggers leaks out.

So here's to parents! I will be forever grateful for mine for putting up with me for all these years and loving me even when I'm a dork (which is almost always).

Cyndi

Miss Fix It

This is kind of a long story, and I may or may not switch from first to third person in the telling. Strongly leaning towards may. Turn back now if you wish.


It's not really a good idea to leave me alone for too long. One of two things typically happens. 1. I think too much. (After such occasions, one could likely find me weirded out by the possibility that Osama Bin Laden's goat may be harboring plots to overthrow our agricultural economy.) 2. I try to fix things. Believe it or not, it's the second of these options that proves more dangerous.

Yesterday, I came home from a leisurely lunch and went upstairs to switch a load of laundry over. The washer and dryer are the front-opening kind, and whoever set them up put them in backwards, meaning that the front loading doors open into eachother and one must maneuver around them to wrangle a load from the washer into the dryer. It has bothered me for months now, like the sort of low frequency hum that you quietly ignore until one day you tote a gun off to the local grocery store and shoot a checker for giving you plastic instead of paper. You know. That sort of thing.

So yesterday, having an afternoon to myself, I decided that I'd had it. A few days previous I'd been watching one of my home improvement shows, and the hapless host put an idea into my diseased little brain when he switched the hinges on a refrigerator door so it would open the opposite way. "Ahh!" Cyndi says to herself, "that didn't look too hard. I'll just take the doors off and switch the hinges. It will be easy. Probably it will only take a few minutes."

Twenty five minutes later, sweating and cursing (minimally of course, and only in my head), I had the dryer door off and found that even with all the might of my scrawny arm, I COULD NOT get the screw to go into the hole on the opposite side of the dryer opening. I begged, I pleaded, I threatened, I tossed around the word "scrapyard." But alas. No progress. (Switching into third person present tense mode in 3...2...1)

"That's it!" Cyndi shouts inanely. "I didn't want to do this, but you give me no choice. I'm going to go rent a drill!" Cyndi watches the dryer carefully for any sign of dogged submissiveness, but finding none, stomps downstairs to get her shoes and car keys. "You'll be sorry!" she shouts over her should as she clicks out of the front door.

(Fast forward 15 minutes.) Cyndi stands at the rental counter of the Home Depot. Buck the rental clerk blinks at the blond in shiny black heels and skirt standing in front of him.

"Hep you m'am?"

"Why yes. I need a drill," Cyndi says, trying to sound confident and knowing.

"Why?"

"Erm, why?" Cyndi stammers. The little voice in her head begins to yap at her, 'If you tell him what you need it for, he won't give it to you. You'll feel stupid. Be vague, be breezy, be confident.'

"Oh, just a couple little projects, you know." Cyndi laughs in what she hopes is a breezy manner.

Buck raises an eyebrow. "Like what?"

'You blew it,' says the little voice, 'you call that breezy? Psh.'

"Oh, this and that," Cyndi answers uncertainly.

"Well yer gonna have to give me some kind of idea of what yer doing else I can't give you the right tool."

"Oh, I just need to hang a few pictures, switch a door around, that sort of thing."

"Door? What kinda door?" Buck asks, preternaturally sharp now, formerly dull eyes taking on the glassy ferret-like sheen universal to used car salesmen.

"Washer and dryer." Cyndi mumbles.

"Washer and dryer! Waaaale. You caint use no drill fer that. You'll jest strip out the screws. Only it take ya 2 seconds instead of a minute. Trust me missy. I been usin these tools for 40 years now. You have to use a screwdriver."

"I tried that. The screw wouldn't go in."

Buck flicks a quick glance at Cyndi's arm, the problem already decided and quickly settling over his features in a mask of practiced skepticism. "Well you probably jest wasn't gettin enough power behind it. Or you have the wrong kind of screwdriver. What kind was you using?"

Frantically, Cyndi's mind swims. 'What is the name of that stupid thing?' she questions inwardly. The little voice in her head shrugs deferentially. 'Phillips' has miraculously vanished from the memory banks, and instead, "The one with the little crossy things at the top," is all that leaks out. Cyndi grimaces inwardly, feeling an utter moron.

"That's called a Phillips m'am. What size was it?"

"Uh, I dunno. Five or six inches long I guess."

Buck laughs his patented "Ain't it adorable when women try to fix things" chuckle. "No m'am. What size was the head?"

"Oh well, yes. Um. Not too big, about like this" Cyndi says, pinching her fingers and holding them up to her eye to indicate a quarter inch, simultaneously glancing around the shop for a tool to jam in her ear to end the mortification of the moment.

Buck sighs. "You come on back with me now and I'll show ya some thangs." He lumbers to a stock room behind the desk, Cyndi clicks after him, heels echoing mockingly in the industrial shed filled with steel and sawdust.

With a thick-fingered grease coated hand, Buck scrapes up a handful of screws.

"Now see, this here is a sheet metal screw," Buck says, poking at the flinty lot with a blunted black rimmed nail, "It's self-tapping, so ya don't hafta knock a hole in first. He counts out four screws and offers them. "You go head and put these in yer purse."

"Er, thanks."

"With the right screwdriver, these'll go right in fer ya. Guarantee it. Lemme show you what kind screwdriver you need." Buck clomps off into the store proper with Cyndi tagging along. He pauses by the screwdrivers and selects one from the bottom shelf.

"This one here is a good deal. It's got two sizes of flat and Phillips," he says, overemphasizing the word, doing his best to educate, "heads. And when ya take them out, it will double as a ratchet. You tell yer husband about that? Kay?"

"Sure. Thanks," Cyndi says, resisting the urge to kick him in the shin and claim a spasm.

"Now, that oughta do ya. Good luck." Buck ambles away back toward the rental section. Cyndi checks out and flies home with her new prize.

(Fast forward 20 minutes)

With considerably less sweating and cursing, Cyndi screws the last screw into the dryer door, now happily installed on the opposite side, opening away from the washer. "Hmm," she says happily, "I guess Buck did know what he was talking about."

She pushes the door closed triumphantly. It hits on something and flies back open. She tries again to the same result. "What the..." Cyndi opens the door and discovers she has installed it upside down.

"Oh for the love!" She shouts ineffectually, realizing that she has to switch the hinges to the other side of the door and reinstall. She opens the door and examines the hinges to find all the screw heads are stripped out and cannot be removed. "Some moron must used a drill on em," Buck comments from inside Cyndi's head.

The only option left is to take the door off and put it back in in its original backward position. Cyndi takes the door off again and re-installs it a third time, only this time the door requires and extra push in order to close.

So all that, and yours truly managed only to make to dryer door close less smoothly than it had in the past. Yeah. I rock. Grocery checkers beware.

-Cyndi

The Willful Cowlick

Naturally, I have coarse brown hair. It's been this way since I was a kid. My regular routine of bleaching, blow-drying, flat-ironing, etc. seems to have little or no effect on the texture. Simply and stubbornly, it is what it is. Most the time it cooperates, though over the years it has informed me in no uncertain terms that it will not stand for any foofy type of up-do. Due to an unfortunate accident of genetics resulting in ears that jut away from my head at a roughly 80 degree angle, I'm okay with the no updo thing. Though I have oft suspected that allowing my ears out of their padded hair prison would give me special sonar powers. Or at least the ability to hear dog whistles.

But for the most part, I don't mind terribly. That is except when new hairs grow in exactly where my hair parts. You may not know this, but coarse hair grows vertically until passes the 3 inch mark. Only then does it consider laying down. When my hair grows, I am rewarded with a plethora of defiant brown (sometimes gray- eek!) spikes that shoot from the top of my head like so many bamboo shoots. And they will. not. lay. down.

I've tried every type of "product" known to man (or woman). Sprays, gels, waxes, pomades. Nothing works for more than 30 seconds. Goop on, plaster it down, and DOING! Back up it springs, only perhaps a little shinier, straighter, stiffer, etc. Short of scraping engine grease from a carburetor (somehow I thought this would only create a different issue), I've done everything I could think of.

Why not pluck them? - you ask. Ahh! If it were only that simple. It would seem that plucking one only creates room for the hair next door, who previously lay down for whatever reason, to stand tall and find its place in the sun. Or florescent bathroom lights, as the case may be.

They also catch the light of any given room fabulously, and often people talking to me will take a quick glance at the top of my head. "Yes," I say, "I know they're there. But could you pretend you don't see them? Recognition only serves to swell their egos." At which point said person usually walks away.

Not that I blame them.

-Cyndi

Can you guess what's next?

The pieces of the puzzle are as follows:

A. Items on Cyndi's desk.
-One Letter of Agency
-One Service Order Agreement
-One styrofoam cup containing paperclips
-One styrofoam cup containing Coke and ice

B. Task at hand
-Letter of agency must be signed, faxed, paper-clipped to Service Order Agreement, and filed.

So have you guessed what happens next?

If you guessed, "Cyndi shoves her hand in the styrofoam cup of coke looking for a paperclip and is so shocked that she jerks it out and tips the cup over, ruining the documents...You are CORRECT!

You win a cookie. It's in my purse. Feel free to drop by and grab it. But you may have to fight me for it. Fair warning has been given.

-Cyndi

Calculations - Dieting the Cyndi Way

Latte - 130 calories

Asiago bagel - 360 calories

Vegetable Cream Cheese - 120 calories

Grand total for Cyndi's breakfast - 610 calories

Calories burned in one hour while sitting - 88

Hours for Cyndi to burn her breakfast while stationed like a lump at her desk - 6.93

Licking the cream cheese off of the remaining half of your bagel and throwing the rest away to save 180 calories so you can eat the chocolate bar in your desk without guilt- Priceless.

It's Haunted Alright...

by stupid people. Allow me to explain.

On Saturday, Andy and I stayed at a reportedly haunted lodge out in Utah's ski country. I have whims like this, on occasion. A couple weeks ago I stumbled across a Haunted Places in Utah site. I sent the link to Andy, we peeked at a couple places, found a little lodge that was cute, and decided to go. My decision to do so was vastly aided by several factors, which I shall present in list-like form, as it pleases my diseased little brain.

1. The Lodge was running a special as it is off season for skiing (why does that word never look right?). Decent price, cute countrified room, home-cooked breakfast included. So far, so good.

2. The Lodge is located up a beautiful canyon and promises an outdoor hot-tub and sauna with a beautiful view. Also good.

3. The lodge promises an excellent menu of higher end noshing. Being the fat gir erm, foodie that I am, this is always a significant aspect in my decision making process.

4. The Lodge is supposed to be relatively empty this time of year, promising one's fill of solitude and serenity. I can always use a little of each - so cool, right?

5. Lodge is haunted. Also very very cool.

So I booked the room, and off we went. It all started well enough, the drive up the canyon was lovely. Andy's company is always immensely enjoyable. We were having a grand old time joking about the various ways we might be ghosted in the middle of the night.

Then we pull up to the lodge. Which looks nothing as grand as the photos they have posted on the website. There are several more cars parked outside than I had expected. I begin to feel dubious.

"This may not be very cool." I say, suddenly feeling the need to warn Andy.

"I'm sure it will be great," he counters, ever my more optimistic half.

I feel my eyebrows bunch. Something is weird. But we go in anyway and are greeted promptly at the door by Dirk-the-not-so-bright lodge dude and a barely controlled chaos of employees shouting and rushing every which way.

"Sorry folks, we're closed for a wedding," he bellows.

"Uh, what?"

"Closed. We're closed. We have a wedding here tonight."

"Oh, that's odd. We have reservations to stay here tonight," Andy informs him.

"Oh yeah?" Dirk consults a pencil-scribbled ledger. "Oh, I guess you do. Here, fill this out." He shoves a piece of paper towards Andy.

"So is the restaurant closed as well?" Andy inquires politely, filling out the slip. He knows I am fuming, irritated at the unwelcoming greeting, more irritated that my hopes of dinner are in peril, more than a little peeved that no one bothered to inform me of the wedding when I made the reservation.

"Yep. But I think the reception is gonna have a buffet line. You guys should just crash and grab some grub." He chuckles.

I narrow my eyes at his back as he turns away, Andy quietly asks if I want to push it out a couple weeks. I tell him no, that the room is non-refundable and we are already here. My discontent is quickly doubling and redoubling.

Another minion tells us he will take us to the room. He leads us through the dining room (where the reception will be held) up the stairs to the room. I am now panicky as I realize if we want to come and go at all that night, we will do so through some one's wedding reception. Tables are also set out on the patio, so unless I want to prance amongst the wedding guests in my bathing suit, sauna-ing and hot-tubbing are also out.

In the hall we edge past a group of women spilling from the nearby room, ironing some component of the bridal gown.

Our room at the end of the hall is small, wood paneled, and has hideous doilies tucked under animal themed lamps. It also smells. Minion points out that we have a view of the patio and can spy in the wedding guests if we want. His suggestion is the creepiest thing about the place as of yet. Still the view of aspens and pine trees beyond is nice. Minion leaves, I frown.

"Is it so unreasonable to expect that someone should have told me that they were hosting a wedding on this particular weekend?" I ask Andy. He agrees, they should have told us. We decide we will drive further up the canyon for an early dinner and then return before the reception begins and hole up in our room. We find a place to eat and are the only ones there, which is nice. The cook informs me he doesn't trust the steak, and asks if could he interest me in a burger instead.

"Fine," I say. It's not. I can't shake my disappointment. Still it's cloudy and beautiful in the canyon. It looks like rain and I am here with Andy, who is enjoying himself.

The storm begins in earnest as we arrive back at the Lodge. The parking lot and surrounding road is choked with cars. We elbow our way through a clot of wedding guests to get to the stairs. People look at us strangely. "Are they supposed the be here?" Someone whispers behind us. "Look, they're going up stairs," a concerned female points out. "Just let them go," her male companion comments. "They're probably just lost."

I fight an urge to cartwheel down the stairs ninja-style and kick them in the head. Probably best as I can't cartwheel and I don't have any ninja moves. I'd likely trip and fall on Aunt Edna, killing her instantly. Maybe then this place really would be haunted. I smirk at the thought then promptly censure myself. I have a formidable mean streak when I'm feeling put out and anxious.

We settle onto the bed and read as it begins to pour. I finally begin to unwind. I open the window and watch the rain slant onto the tables, soaking the cloths, ruining the flowers. Concerned female shrieks and people scampering to drag in the decorations. I shouldn't be pleased but I am. A wolf howls in the distance. Andy and I grin at each other. Perhaps this won't be so bad after all. The night is lovely, the rain loud enough to compete with the revelers from the reception. I have a nagging feeling they will all still be here tomorrow morning, and I am correct.

The last part of the reservation worth salvaging, the promised breakfast with our bed, already looks foreboding. As we ready ourselves for the morning we can see from our window that the tables on the patio, still sparkling with last night's rain, are clogged with people. We pack up and decide to do a drive-by as we turn in our room key. The restaurant is stuffed with people, there is not an open table to be had. We elect not to wait, and leave.

It was a lovely night, nevertheless, but not through any fault or effort of the people who run the lodge. By accident and happenstance. And was not, sadly, haunted by anything other regular ordinary people. Methinks I may need to go leave a couple reviews.

-Cyndi

Aaaaargh!

Wenches and Maties! Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! I will have ye know that I, Surly Cyndi Longshanks, have single-handedly instigated a celebration of this holiday in the Tech department where I be employed as a meeting wench. Here be the invitation I be sending out earlier this week:

Ahoy there!

This be Surly Cyndi Longshanks the Meeting Wench. Killer Kent, Master and Chief of the S.S. SOS Underbelly, have asked me to inform ye that this Friday be International Talk Like Pirate Day. In accordance with the Pirate Code, we be having a luncheon of hearty vittles on Friday this, at high noon, in the 4^th flaarr executive baarrd room.

Moreover, we be havin’ a contest to see which matey can invent the best pirate-like name for themself and their position here on the S.S. SOS. The winners shall be richly rewarded with gifts of booty and swag. All ye must do is email yer pirate name to meself, Longshanks the Meeting Wench, by 9 o clock on the marning of Friday. I’ll then be sendin the list around fer the votin. We’ll be announcing the winners o’er our sup of hearty pirate nosh on Friday.

Here be some sample names to tickle yer wee brains:

Burly Bill, Master of the Swaghold

Greenbeard Morrison, Keeper of the Pirate Code

Heartless Hardy, Master Booty Buccaneer

Lynn the Lenient Lamprey, Crew Chief and Plank Sack Master

On Friday, the wearin of eye patches is to be encouraged, as is the talking pirate-like fer the day (unless of carse ye be talkin to a customer or other externally-facin matey. Be a pirate, but don’t be a daft one.)

Killer Kent would be appreciatin yer participation in this crew buildin experience. See ye thar!

And lo! Today there be blokes in pirate-like costumes, shenanigans, tom-foolery and many other things of the like. Not to mention a feast featuring several kinds o' meat on a stick. Tis a pirate's dream! And I be takin credit fer all of it.

I'll post pictures of the festivities for ye soon!


Yaaaarrrs,
Surly Cyndi Longshanks, Meeting Wench