Songs that are supposed to be romantic...but aren't

Songs that are supposed to be romantic but aren't...Volume 1 (I feel this may become a regular series as today's music industry is kind enough to provide me with such ample fodder.)

I get the distinct impression that today's young women become increasingly easier to impress. All an uber-sensitive whiny chap with mascara must do is slap together a few notes, paying special attention to engineering a chorus that stops a hairsbreadth away from devolving into WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!, and he has his very own gaggle of ravening, weepy, screeching girls who assign to him the status of Mega Ultra Super Romance God of the Universe. Honestly, does anyone listen to lyrics anymore? Anyone?

So with that I give you Secondhand Serenade's "Fall for You." Try not to expire from the romance of it. I know it will be difficult. I've honestly been out and heard a young woman shoosh her friend when this sodden Kleenex of a song came on. "Shhh! Oh my gosh! It's our song!" *Fans herself.* "Oh my gosh, Secondhand Serenade is sooooo awesome! They're deep."

They're deep alright, my young emo mall-rat friend. So deep I need a shovel for fear that a load of steaming piffle might find it's way into my ear. Let's begin, with the song's first stanza. And I quote:

"The best thing about tonight is we're not fighting,
Could it be we've been this way before?
I know that you don't think I am trying,
I know you're wearing down thin to the core."

Honestly,'The best thing about tonight is we're not fighting,'? Perhaps he's celebrating the much-anticipated commencement of his Thorazine drip. They're not fighting tonight. Hurray oh hurray!

Sounds like the hallmarks of a trailer park romance to me. What a momentous night indeed! The neighbors won't have to call the cops for once. No one will have to witness the spectacle of Jim Bob in naught but his boxers and stained tank top lurching about on the lawn, shouting drunken obscenities at the plastic flamingo as Jane Bob ejects his possessions from the trailer's front window. No, not tonight. Tonight Jim Bob can ruminate on the fact that they're not fighting.

"Woulda you look at that Jane Bob, we ain't even broke a dish tonaght! I think that maght jest be the best part bout tonaght. Other than this frosty Keystone a course." Oh the romance! Help me for I grow faint!

And just because this line is too droll to pass up, "I know you're wearing down thin to the core." Well yes clearly, he needed something to rhyme with 'before.' I can only imagine the choices he elected to pass on. Pore, spore, bore, gore, lore, more. No, none of them quite communicate the depth of the angsty angst that drips from this song. Really dude. Thin to the core? What, is she an apple? The earth perhaps? Does she have a liquid hot mag-ma center? Gar.

Ready yourself, for here comes the chorus:

"But hold your breath,
Because tonight will be the night
That I fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind."

Don't make me change my mind? Is that a threat? Don't make me change my mind or what? She'll see the back of his pimp hand? And how will she make him change his mind precisely, by NOT holding her breath?

"Hay! Jane Bob, I dun told you to hold yer breath! Don't make me change mah mind now. I's said I's gonna fall fer you over again. Now get on in there and put on them cut-offs you hade awn when we first met down at them stock car raises. You know, the ones I spillt that beer awn."

Yes, Jim Bob sure does know how to charm a lady. But wait! There's more!

"Or I won't live to see another day!
I swear it's true!
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find."

Ohhh. I see. So Jim Bob really only wants to patch things up because a girl like her is impossible to find. Uh huh. So what is she now? A Tickle Me Elmo at Christmas time? A quail in hunting season? It's hard work puttin down the beer and going out on one of them women-hunts. You're right Jim Bob. Better than to patch things up that actually put forth an effort. Good on ya.

Skipping forward a touch:

"So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words, cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight when you're asleep."

Boy, the rhymes sure were coming quickly when he composed this stanza. He must have felt like Stradivarius approaching the work table. Aside from the oh so deft rhyme schema, does this make any sense whatsoever? So breathe in so deep, breathe me in, I'm yours to keep. Breathe me in...hmm. Sounds like in a misguided attempt at romance, Jim Bob resorted to the ole covered wagon, which while utterly hilarious to him, would likely not have greatly impressed his lucky lady love.

Jim Bob and Jane Bob lay in bed together. Jim Bob suddenly pulls the covers over Jane Bob's head.
"Shoooeee! Git a load of that babydoll! I bet it was them deviled eggs I dun ate. Go on, breathe me in. All that is yers to keep! Yes m'am. Ain't you the lucky one."
*Jane Bob retches, flees for the bathroom.
"You better not be holdin yer breath baby, don't make me change mah mind!"

Continuing on, 'So save your words, cause talk is cheap.' Wait, so she can't talk, because talk is cheap, and therefore meaningless. Okaaay. Em, terribly sorry if I'm pointing out the obvious here. But, isn't this song, well, composed of...words? So would that mean this song is well...Oh never mind.

The song whines on for another couple choruses, of course, just so we fully understand that he won't live to see another day, he swears it's true, she's impossible to find, yadda yadda, blah bah. What can one do in the face of such linguistic deliciousness but yield to its solicitous sentiments?

Holding my breath,
Cyndi