A Practical Husband's Guide to Rabid Meyerism Survival

It's not often that I feel sorry for men. Comparatively speaking, it seems like men have it easy in a plethora of ways. They don't have to wear make-up, their pants size comes in inches and is generally consistent from brand to brand, and they never have to take trip down the "Masculine Needs" aisle of the supermarket. In fact, such an aisle does not exist. The refrigerated beer section is about as close as it comes.

But as I've observed the whole Twilight phenomenon (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you have a bigger problem. Like the fact that you live under a rock and lack a social security number and a belly button) I've come to feel bad for the men of the world. Edward and his hunky vampire pals done gone and upped the ante. What's a man to do when his wife becomes a screeching, teenage vampire-obsessed, "Team Edward" t-shirt wearing lunatic?

Well stress no more dudes. I'm here to help a brotha out. Ever hear the saying, if you can't beat 'em, join em? I find it practically sound, and if you follow my easy steps, you'll be on your way to winning back your wife. So without further adieu, here is Cyndi's guide to everything you need to know to become an honorary Meyerific vampire.

1. Brooding - Now that you are a vampire, attitude is everything. You must remember, you are deep, you are soulful, you are conflicted. You are powerful, yet sensitive. Cunning, yet vulnerable. You want to impress your lady love but you must, no matter how tempting it is, MUST resist the urge to tear her throat out. Are you feeling conflicted yet? Is your soul torn with anguish? No? Perhaps you should practice in front of a mirror. Repeat after me. Brooding is all in the eyebrows.* Practice lowering those brows. Loooower. Good. Now draw them together, and remember, you are deep in thought, your inner struggle must be made manifest. Smiling of any kind is strictly forbidden. Who has time to smile? Certainly not an immortal. Earl the tax accountant perhaps. Earl the tax accountant who will lose his wife if he can't get his damnable eyebrows to sing with inner sorrow and pain.
(*Author's note: Not all eyebrows are created equal. A thick, bushy brow is a must for that extra-tormented brooding look. If your brows are sparse, you might consider filling them in with your wife's eyebrow pencil, or perhaps supplementing with the application of a little spirit gum and furs snipped from junior's teddy bear.)

2. Aggressive carnivore-ism - You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs, and you can't be a vampire without rending some flesh. It's the way of the world folks. However, in the Twilight series, one of the elements that distinguishes the Cullens from other blood-suckers is their oh-so-gentile refusal to gnaw on humans. Instead, the hunt down Bambi and his friends. Chances are you don't have a steady supply of deer, wildcats, or rabbits to lustily masticate in front of your wife, so you'll have to use your imagination.* Go ahead, go crazy, tear into a raw steak with your teeth. Be an animal. Growl! This is your marriage we're talking about here.
(*Author's note - Though this would seem to be a great opportunity to rid yourself of your wife's irritating Persian, hunting of household pets is generally to be avoided. No one is going to think you are a bad ass for taking a bite out of Muffy the hamster.)

3. Pasty/Sparkly/Cold skin - As a vampire, you are immortal, and have therefore done away with such archaic concepts as a circulatory system. Therefore you are pale, you are cold, you are marble. There are several good cosmetics on the market that can help you achieve that bloodless look. Any sort of commercially available foundation in Ivory (this is the industry equivalent of ass-that-has-never-seen-the-sun white) should suffice. But instead of pressed powder to set your look, opt for pure talcum powder, you know, the kind you puff sprinkle liberally onto a baby's bottom. But for those on a budget, a sparing application of certain household items is acceptable, including but not limited to: Desitin, powdered sugar, corn starch, or cream of tartar.
To achieve that ever-so-impressive sparkling skin in the sun look, you should keep a pot of Bonne Bell body glitter gel on hand at all times. A stealthy application of this behind the porta potty, and your gleaming skin will be the envy of all your wife's friends.
For the requisite cold and clammy feeling, wear a hoody at all times and keep a bottle of frozen water in your hoody pouch. You can keep your hands on it until it's time to give the wife a little accidental brush with your chilly fingers. She can the gasp in true Bella style and marvel at your frigid temperature.

4. Super fast movement - Vampires are fast and agile creatures. To be a vampire, you need to be fast as well, or at least give the illusion of being fast. To give the impression of extraordinary speed, I recommend wearing roller blades or skates to zip from room to room. These can be deftly hidden by wearing extra-long and baggy pants. (This manner of concealment provides the added benefit of helping you appear taller. All the better to loom ominously over the shoulder of your beloved while brooding. The brooding is vitally important people. I cannot emphasize this enough.) In addition, whispering a "whoosh" sound as you pass might help create the illusion of excessive speed.
*Author's note - I do not recommend hooking your belt to your brother Bubba's trailer hitch with fishing wire and having him take off down the street in third gear whenever you need to leave the room. Preliminary experiments with this method proved to be hazardous. And also somewhat inconvenient during hunting season when Bubba was not readily available.

5. Poofy vampire hair - When you are a vampire, even your hair must say, "Don't mess with me, I'm volatile, I'm broody, I cannot be tamed, and I'll cut you if must." In order to communicate this, your hair must achieve the proper verticality so it may properly look down its nose at smaller, less beautiful hair. In order to achieve this look, first, hang upside down from a sturdy curtain rod to get gravity working for you. Now that your hair is standing on end, apply a generous layer of shellac and dry thoroughly with a hair dryer. Not only will your hair be formidably tall and intimidating, it will also be waterproof - very important when you are brooding in the rain. And you should be.

6. Eyes that change colors - This one is a little harder to do. You can of course employ the use of colored contacts, and pop them in and out regular intervals if you wish. But I did say this was the practical guide to Meyerific vampire-ism, and such practices sound less than practical to me. Instead, I would recommend straining as if taking a bowel movement. This will force blood into the whites of your eyes. Due to the color principle of simultaneous contrast, your blue eyes will look greener against the red, your brown eyes blacker, and so on.

Following these simple tips, you too can be a moody, brooding, deer-eating conflicted hunk of man meat that your wife won't be able to keep her hands off of. When she's not nose-deep in a Meyer novel that is.

You're welcome.

Cyndi